I just want to be me again

Happy birthday to me, 40 years old, where has the time gone? I remember celebrating my 30th like it was yesterday, 10 years have flown passed me so fast i feel a little sick, but hey, they say life begins at 40, so bring it on!

My tree went up yesterday, i saw a few homes decorated and so it got me in the mood also.. My blood results came back normal, but no idea about the ECG results, but i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow so hopefully i will know more then! I'm sleeping in better and the power surges have subsided a little in the mornings, and they seem to be getting better at night, although i did have one about 8.30 last night that upset me a little... I'm still convinced I'm going to have a fit when i go through them and i walk to talk to the doctor more about that...

Party season begins tomorrow and the countdown to Yuletide begins.. Have a wonderful Sunday ~

Day 25..

Had my blood test done now all i have to do is wait until Friday for the results, no ECG results until then either.. I was a little shaky at first to go to the Doctors, but then my sister came with me, and as long as someone is with me i feel fine!

5 days until the big 4 0, and i feel numb about it, I'm not even going to celebrate it, well, that's how i feel today, maybe when I'm feeling better i might like to do something.

The weathers really cold here i just noticed a frost on the cars as i opened the curtains, still no snow, but they are saying the weathers going to get mild again and then cold at the weekend, but a little colder than we have had..

Can't wait until Dec the 1st, i can put the tree up, YAY!!!!

Day 24..

Blood tests today. Been an OK weekend, a few power surges , but a quiet one. I'm hoping they will also have my ECG results today. We never saw any snow here, did you?

Day 22..

I'm putting my tree up soon, next Sunday or Monday, Yay!, cant wait. Iv got some bits already up, like my little tree in the kitchen, that have dried sliced oranges hanging on and my Snowmen are gathered throughout the Living room. The picture here was taken last year but you get an idea of what the mantle looks like, that will also go up in the next week!

I'm feeling a lot better this morning, i awoke at 4.10, let the cat out at 5, and went back to bed until 7, i have not done that for quite a few years, so my body is starting to settle down, at last. I'm still not well enougth to go out for my birthday but there will be plenty of time to do that when I'm feeling a lot better..

We have a big chill coming to the UK shores over the next few days, it hasn't hit Gloucestershire that bad yet, but I'm sure the Cotswold's and the Forest might be lucky and see a little snow.. Wherever you may be have a safe and wonderful weekend.

Day 20..

Iv had a really bad turn, it seems my power surges have increased and with them comes a coldness within the body, now this really frightened me but the Doctors assure me its all part of the illness.. I have an appointment on Monday for blood tests and the doctor has increased the dosage of the tablets and i slept quite well last night. Iv also asked my Doctor if i could talk to someone who can help me deal with the situation and to understand it better, its all well and good taking a pill, but i want to know why this has started to happen and help myself on the road to recovery and getting 'me' back again.. November was supposed to be an account of my feelings leading up to my 4oth, but it seems the power surges have been taken over the posts, but then im sure its all connected in some way...

Day 17...

Yesterday, my son and i went into town to get some more bits for Christmas, where i had a funny turn while waiting in a line to pay for the goods. I knew something was going to happen because i had the shakes before i even left the house, but i knew that i had to fight it and get on with my day, plus i had also made plans to visit my friend, so it was necessary for me to get out.. I was OK though and the minute i had paid for the goods and left the shop i was feeling a lot better...

I managed to bag myself a really good bargain regarding a camera i brought my both myself and Sage, but its a present for Christmas, so i cant use it yet, but the minute i do, you will all be bombarded with lots of pictures..

Its half way through the month now and the dreaded 4 0 is fast approaching, and at the moment i feel OK about it, i cant really put down in words how i feel at the moment, because i don't know how i feel or how to explain how i feel. The minute i do, i will express it here, until then, have a really great Monday...

Day 14..

I love this picture on the left, but i can not remember where i got it from on the Internet, so please leave me a comment if its yours and i will of course give you credit..

Yesterday, i managed to get some more Christmas shopping done and almost had a turn in the Supermarket again! I think its because its so bright and hot in there its enougth to make anyone have power surges.. The results regarding the ECG will be at my Doctors in about 2 weeks, so i can finally find out if these palpitations/flutterings are anything to worry about. I just found out that my Grandmother on my dads side of the family, died in her twenties because she was born with a hole in her heart! I never knew her and that's a shame.

Im still not looking forward to my 40th, but its fast approaching, im hoping that once it passes i can finally begin to have some fun, after all they do say life begins then.. LOL....

Day 13...

I have the ECG still fitted to me and I'm telling you i will be more than happy to have it removed later this morning, the pads make my skin itchy. I did manage to go into town yesterday and do some Christmas shopping, so I'm pleased with that, since i have to go back to the Hospital this morning i shall go and do a bit more before some food shopping and getting back home.

I feel OK, getting up early still, but that's due to my bladder and not being able to get back to sleep. I can not believe that its just over 2 weeks until i celebrate being 40, well, i wouldn't say celebrate, more like face it head on. Still don't know if i can face going out into town for the evening so I'm leaning towards the Chinese takeaway at mine, maybe buy a really great DVD and just hang out with my friends and family.

Day 11 and Day 12..

Yesterday was a good day, well, i managed to go to the post office and Asda and not one funny moment.. Today i have to go to the Hospital for an ECG, so I'm hoping I'm gonna feel OK to walk there, its only down the road from me, i might even go into town after and do a bit of Christmas shopping if i feel up to it... Any how, not long now til the big day, and i still cant decide what to do, maybe as time draws nearer and i start to feel better i can make my mind up then.. I still get feelings that unnerve me about getting older, and the fact that the last 10 years have disappeared like they have has really scared the hell out of me!

They say life begins at 40, erm, we shall see!

Day 10..

10 Days already, wow, time is really moving fast!.. Today has been a weird day, iv felt out of it for most of the day,i have not had another attack but i do feel them there, lurking within the shadows, ready to pounce on me when i least expect it. I think the tablets i have been given are best taken at night, it seems an hour or so after taking them i need to sleep, that's not so good for the mornings when i need to go out and deal with my chores... Iv made some Pumpkin muffins for Sage and the smell is intoxicating, i must go and check on them, so, until tomorrow, have a wonderful day/evening..

Remembrance Sunday & Day 9..

(Picture found at Google)

“2008 marks the 90th anniversary of the end of the First World War, when nearly 1 million British men perished and many more returned home injured. Remembrance Sunday, and indeed Armistice Day on the eleventh, give us a chance to quietly remember the many men and women who have fought for the freedom we enjoy, and continue to do so today.” (Chris Simpkins, Director General of The Royal British Legion )

My thanks to all those fallen hero's and to those that continue to fight for our freedom, you are all Hero's...

Yesterday was a good day, I'm still a little tired from the past week but yesterday i smiled and i laugthed and that's good enougth for me.. I would love to take the dog out for a good walk today so I'm hoping I'm up for that in a few hours. The weather is really wet and windy, but i love it like this..

Last night Sage and myself settled down in his bedroom window and watched fireworks kick off all around us, we had a great time and we never even got wet or cold! Thanks neighbours that was some show.. Don't you just love Bonfire night, although it does baffle me that we celebrate the man that was really a terrorist and almost blew up the houses of Parliament!

Day 8...

(Picture by Google)

The doctor has prescribed me some Anti Depressants that also deal with Panic attacks, it seems this strong, confident, independent women has finally become a loony toon, LOL, I'm laughing at that by the way, if i cant still have my sense of humor, than iv well and truly had it!.. I'm just so glad iv finally been diagnosed after months of thinking there was something really wrong with me.I can now walk the path to getting better and back on track and maybe start to embrace my forties with a smile on my face.

There is nothing more scary than a panic attack, and its the most scariest thing i have been through in my life and iv seen some scary stuff. The thing that frightened me the most was the feeling that i was going to have some kind of seizure/fit, especially in front of Sage.That's the last thing a twelve year old boy wants to witness. Anyhow, yesterday was an OK day and i managed to get out for a walk with a friend, it was good to be about to breathe in some fresh air after spending so long inside.. Tomorrow is Remembrance Sunday and i should remember our fallen hero's and those that are still fighting, that's a post for tomorrow though.

Day 7..

A doctor is coming out to see me at home today, after another Power surge last night!

Day 6..

It all went tits up yesterday, and a doctor was called out, i was given some tablets that seem to control the dizzy spells and the feeling of wanting to freak out, big time!, and that seems to have done the job. Another day of resting, but that's driving me mad, i really want to go out for a walk..

So the Cat has woken me up at 4.30 and again I'm unable to go back to sleep, so I'm here, in front of the PC, yet again in the small hours of the morning. My neck is killing me and I'm debating whether to take one of those tablets, I'm only allowed to take 2 a day so I'm a little worried about starting the course so early in the morning, but it was round about 5.30 am yesterday it all went mad! When I'm feeling a little better i will go into more detail about how I'm actually feeling...

Oh, a quick note, good choice of the right decision yesterday, i personally believe the right man was elected by the Citizens of the US, yes even here in the UK we were rooting for this man... Way to go!

Day 4 and day 5...

It seems i missed posting yesterday, and yesterday i had a really bad attack, not sure whats going on, i need to call a doctor out today.. Im sick of feeling sick!

Day 3...

Not good today, seems i have taken 2 steps backwards.. Im resting, lets hope tomorrow is a better day!

Day 2...

I feel OK, but still a little shaky on my feet, my temperature has gone down and the dizzy spells are less frequent. How do i feel within my self, OK, i had another restful sleep and slept a full seven hours without waking up... The weathers rather spooky, its misty, windy and very grey, it has rained all night and its chilly, but i love these days, the coziness of wrapping up in your winter woollies and snuggling up on the sofa while you watch the weather unfolding outside...

I can't decide what to do for my 40th, i will be with friends and family whatever, but i cant decide whether to go out into the local town and party out there, or have everyone round mine and order a Chinese takeaway? I don't go out , i cant remember the last time i went out into the unknown to party, i don't drink, although i have promised myself one Southern Comfort to celebrate being 40, or is that to forget I'm hitting 40?...LOL.. I thought about a party, but then with the economic crisis the way it is and Yuletide only around the corner i decided not to, going to see a live band is the next idea and as long as i feel OK within myself then its into the unknown we go,otherwise its the Chinese takeaway and good company in my home..

What did you do for your 40th? Answers on a postcard! (or just leave me a comment)

The Countdown, Day 1..

I will try and make a post every day during November, leading up to the 30th, which by the way is my 40th!, as some of you know, i have had massive issues with reaching this milestone, so much so that i now have Panic attacks, one which was really bad at the weekend.. So, even if its one word, i will post how i feel every day leading up to that Birthday.

So, this morning i awoke having slept through the night for the first time in ages, although the viris i seem to have caught over the past few days is still hanging on in there, but at least the room has stopped spinning and my neck feels like its still attached to my head! I look in the mirror and i still look pale and those wrinkles under the eyes seem a little too eager this morning. My head is hurting so its a mug of coffee and a paracetomol.. Lets see what the day brings as i take my first step closer to my 40th this month.. Wish me luck!!